Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
