I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
