Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
