Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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