She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
