ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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