Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
