yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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