Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
