You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
