My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
