I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
