dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
