my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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