i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
