dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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