just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
