just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
