Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
