I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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