I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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