I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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