I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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