My friends, they love my intelligence
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
