If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
