I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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