Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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