now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found puke in my bra..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
