Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
