i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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