How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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