I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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