My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
