She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
