So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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