i used baking grease as lip gloss
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
