On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
