I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the condom got lost in my hair
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
