and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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