You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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