did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
