I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
