the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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