Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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