Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
