Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
