I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
