so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
