Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
