That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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