They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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