yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
