I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
