I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
