he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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