**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
