Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
